How To Make More Money, We Think

Everyone wants more money! More! It’s the American Dream now, I think. Just collect money. Hoard it! And then either spend your time doing nice things for yourself or the community, or just sit there counting it until you die and can’t take it with you. Be sure to stipulate in your Will that your money should go to various charities or institutions, though, so that your no-good degenerate descendants can’t squander it!

Money, though! How to obtain it. Sure, you could get a job and a savings account. You could make investments and play the stock market. You could gamble, practice con artistry, or outright steal! Or you could follow our advice here in this article. These methods probably can’t fail. Try!

Expert Moneybags


Swear Jars

We recently learned about swear jars and they are amazing. Every time you say a swear word, money goes into the jar. You save up the money for something special or a rainy day, or charity or maybe you throw it into the garbage at the end. It’s up to you, the money is yours! So, to say “we will start a swear jar” just means “a jar will grow money somehow” and you should get started right away.

Make sure that you say a lot of CUSS words so that you get rich super quick. In no time, you’ll find yourself thinking, wow we must have cussed a whole lot because there’s so much money in here!



Allowance is money that is given to you in small amounts, periodically, with no strings attached, for no reason at all. Often, this money comes from parents or legal guardians, so feel free to throw a FIT if you’re encouraged to save it for later. Someone might try to tell you something about the value of a dollar, but one dollar is worthless. If you are getting one single dollar as your allowance you should throw that disgusting piece of paper into the trash. Then you should plot REVENGE.


The Bottle Deposit

I mean, you’ve seen the Seinfeld episodes right? Newman already figured it all out, you just have to not get stuck where he does. It’s a how not-to with some very obvious warnings.

Their scheme to bring recyclable bottles to a state with a higher bottle return may have had a lot of holes. It helped that they were bringing them in a high-jacked mail truck, since they could try with so many at once. It didn’t work out so well when they got, well, distracted, but they were so close to those delicious penny profits.


Money Tree

Although the phrase “money tree” might evoke in some the memories of playing Neopets and fruitlessly clicking to get free nonsense from a tree where people throw their garbage, it’s rooted in the way that people say money doesn’t grow on trees. But what if those people are wrong? Maybe they are. People are wrong about a lot of things.

Dig up a hole at least a foot deep and plant some $5 bills with some nutrient-rich potting soil. Tend to your money tree garden as much as you can. If you’ve played any farming video games (or farmed in real life?? not sure how that works), then you know that each harvest of your tree will yield a bit at a time, but over time it will be worth well over what you’ve invested in the planting.


Money Tree

Thanks to reading about the ancient practice of Feng Shui in our spare time, we have learned that there is an actual plant called a “money tree.” A few plants seem to be by that name, actually. One is a jade plant, and one is this standard looking house plant. Amandoll has one and even though she is more or less a greenthumb when it comes to plant friends, she is struggling with this guy. Its leaves are turning brown and falling off, whole sections of it have died. Her way with money has ventured into the symbolic, but you will probably have better luck.

There are also decorations called “money trees” that are wire sculptures with gemstones in them, representing leaves and wealth. You place one of these things in the southeastern corner of a room or your home, and money just comes into your life somehow thanks to chi and the balance of the universe.


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