I Want These Future Things Yesterday

It’s the goddamn future! We were expecting a lot of cool things, but all I ever hear is where are our jetpacks and where are the hoverboards? Well I want some other stuff, I have no intention of flying around. I want things that make life actually easier! I want my instant gratification to be more than instant! Struggling and hard work should be part of the tedious, awful past! We have things to do that we would rather have finished long ago. Chores are antiquated. Effort is so old-fashioned.


Let’s get down to business. And by that I mean you should start a business and please make these for me.


Chat Device

Yeah, we can chat from anywhere and it’s great. But why can’t I find a good way to chat to people from a concert or another darkened room? It’s horrible to turn your screen on, you’ll blind yourself and anyone within five feet of you. They make keyboards for smart phones but that doesn’t cut it either.

What I need is a small keyboard or watch with a keyboard that attaches to my phone with bluetooth or a cord. I need my phone to know which program I want to be chatting into and I need it to not fuck with me please. I want to just start typing and it appears in discord and I don’t have to read what people say in response. Sometimes you really just need to say, “the ugliest person in the whole wide world is in front of me at this concert.”


Pill Food

Yes, we tried soylent. And it was GREAT. Some people didn’t like the flavor, but the point of future food is that it’s for nourishment so mmmm. We mixed up the recipes and used different flours and additions. Tastes great with a banana included!

But that’s not enough! I need the food featured in 1950s sci-fi movies about the future. I need pills, and just pills. I would like a breakfast pill and a dinner pill ideally. I think that eventually everyone will remember that breakfast is a marketing scam and have no problem swallowing it down with their morning coffee. (Coffee will never catch on as a pill.) Then, we can have a big delicious lunch, the best meal of any day.


Instant Creations

They have 3D printers, and those pens that somehow let you draw a sculpture or something. These things seem like magic to me already, so why don’t we just cut to the chase and install a chip in our bodies somewhere that turns us into a 3D printer. Then all we have to do is imagine what we want, and then there it is. No programming skills necessary! All of our software is built into our imagination zones.


Also, it would be ideal for something like that except for illustrations in order to save Amandoll’s poor fragile hand. Also, something like that except for writing whole articles and books. Quickly! We want all of our ten million ideas to spring from out of us, fully formed and ready to go! I guess there should be a little effort or time delay though so that not every thought becomes reality. That would be a hideous nightmare world of chaos.

Self-Driving Pharmacies

Any store, really. Self-driving cars to bring us from one place to another seems like it’s sort of misunderstanding some of the reasons why driving sucks, doesn’t it? I mean why should we even be going on some of these trips. In most big cities, many people drive their cars for short trips to just pick something up from a store, or small things like that. The stores should be coming to us, dammit!

Eventually, we should be able to stock up a little truck as a store, similar to a food truck. We can call it over with an app when we need something. Hey I need my prescription and also some Dayquil! Get over here! And then it arrives, we speak to zero human beings, pay through the app, and we’re in heaven.


Dream Records

I’ve seen movies where in this other reality there exists this technology where people can record their dreams like a VCR of the brain. Something awful happens like the dreams are sold like drugs, or it’s entertainment gone awry, but this doesn’t have to go wrong! This should be as simple and as commonplace as any sort of dream journal — only better! This way we won’t need to struggle to remember wtf happened while we slept, we can just watch it. Then we can delete it, or we can put it in a special collection. Or who knows, sure, maybe we can upload it to a new website that was made just for this purpose. SnoozeTubes.

I don’t know about you guys, but I would love to watch my dreams on my computer screen and marvel at the detail and the obvious emotional problems I am harboring subconsciously. And, finally! Other people’s dreams might finally be interesting!¬† I can barely even imagine that ever being so.


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