Of course, we are disgustingly rich in satisfying yet intangible qualities, as in “rich” in talent, kindness, and/or inner beauty. And we enjoy the good fortune that is written about from having wonderful, dependable, interesting friends who are also dazzling good conversationalists. We are robber baron tycoon industrialists in the fields of “creating things that we aren’t monetizing.” But what if we were wealthy with actual money?
Don’t get me wrong. We already have lists upon lists on how we would use even a measly $500k for Good. Paying off our friends’ debts, buying our families nice things, fixing up the Sneer Compound to completion. We have so many lists of so many charities we would support, both near and far. We have fairly involved plans concerning how we would improve our community, commonwealth, region, country, planet.
If we were more wealthy than that — into middle-millionaire status, maybe $10+ million, we would change it up into being turbo-nice. With more money than half a mil (it goes so fast, so sickeningly fast), we would rehab houses and make them affordable to rent. We would by tracts of wilderness, leaving it all untouched. We would start our own charitable, nonprofit foundation just to keep track of who we are working with for betterment purposes. We would obviously be known as non-religious saints — not scumbags who deserve to be devoured.
But maybe insane wealth causes you to become an idiot? Maybe that’s why there are vanity joyrides into space, and showboating around buying things that were already dumb, like this whole Twitter farce. How embarrassing. I’m the first to ring the dinner bell when I read news events involving the super-rich, but maybe these people started out with good intentions? Humor me, go along with this absurd line of thought, please. Maybe they have lost their entire minds and have turned into one dimensional personifications of the worst human traits, completely outside of their control?
Maybe that will happen to us when it’s our turn.
Luckily, our mania over list making even includes a list for the things we would do if we had way too much money and became smugly selfish, as seems to be the common path. It isn’t a robust list, like the nice lists are, but it exists. And we haven’t fully lost our moral compasses. I don’t think any amount of money would cause us to wish to frack the earth. At least you can feel safe knowing that. And if you see us hurting the planet in a big obvious way like that, I grant you permission here and now to whip up an angry crowd, track me down, and have me killed. I insist.
Our Bad List
- Hire Cameos For All Of Our Announcements
They aren’t that expensive, even now we could do this to a limited extent! But if money wasn’t an object at all, we would be having Kevin MacDonald from Kids in the Hall telling our HQ Group Chat that dinner is ready, or left in the drop spot to pick up. We would have Jackie Beat saying, “Goid Morming, you beautiful bitches” one morning, and Fred Stoller can give a multi-minute long goodnight blessing at the end of the day. Wrestling legend, The Sandman, can inform the rest of us, “there’s going to be a package delivered so please keep an eye out.”
- Unhinged Collecting
Gotta catch ’em all! Catch what all? Everything we’ve ever wanted! Dollissa can have all of the weaving supplies and looms she’s ever dreamed of — a whole house of it if she wants. I’ll have so many dinosaur bones and loose jewels scattered around. Cats, alpacas, chickens, people to care for them for us. We are certainly people of whims, even as poors, so I don’t even let myself think about this option for too long because I start wanting things that I cannot yet have!
- Buy All The Houses On Our Block And Surrounding Blocks
Sorry, all you people who have been living here for generations, or any amount of time at all. You can be bought out. Unless we decide to let you stay because you pass some invisible test, you’re out of here and will be replaced by our collection of friends, and other collections from Entry #2, too. The green space can become an urban farm so we can adopt wild horses and forlorn livestock in need of rescue. We will change the neighborhood name to Sneerburg. The neighborhood flags will have our faces on them.
- Buy The Local Government
Sorry, all you fans of democratic elections, but this can be bought, too. If it makes you feel any better, we can still hold elections and then hold a bonfire later that night so we can be warmed by your precious ballots. It won’t make some of you feel any better, but the good ones of you will like that we will fix all of the troubles in our society, treat people fairly, pay for community action from our own pockets, and live in splendid, blissful, utopian peace. The rest of you can move elsewhere — we will even pay you to.
- The Most Dangerous Game
I imagine that at the highest level of wealth-madness, the level after which you have flexed yourself into positions of power in society, you become so consumed by self-importance and illusions of invincibility that you buy a private island which you stock for human trophy hunting. I would select from corrupt politicians, pedos, unrepentant racists, and transport them to their new lives, and then, you know. Eventually end them. This might be my own daydream, as I can’t imagine that Dollissa would be happy doing this. She will probably be doing some other repugnant thing we haven’t discussed yet — just wait for her article about her own Darkness.
Anyway, when I get to this point is when everyone can tear me down from my lordly tower and messily consume me like I would deserve. But I guess you probably won’t since you haven’t done that with any of these current rich people yet, huh? AM I NOT RIGHT?
Pathetic.