There are some elements to popular culture that seem to be universally known. You can’t escape knowing about them. It is sometimes a terrible feeling, an imposition on your day. I don’t want to know a single thing about England’s royal family. Not one single thing! Yet I know dozens of things about them. I never want to hear any stand up comedian’s tweeted opinion on anything. I would rather never hear about Taylor Swift engaging in PDA with her current famous boyfriend like they’re reporting on a star cheerleader and not a middle-aged woman, or experience daymares about any modern politician’s eldritch curses upon humanity — and yet!

Amazingly though, there are some things I have avoided! I haven’t heard most popular music in the last twenty years. And whenever I past tense read dlisted, I knew fewer and fewer celebrities mentioned. And now that dlisted is no longer, I basically don’t know anyone! I definitely don’t know how to pronounce any of their names. This is how you wind up living under a rock. Sorry to sound like I’m bragging.

I feel like Tom Cruise and his movies are one of the things that are ubiquitous in our culture. Everyone has seen at least one of his movies, I would believe. Not me though. I know who he is, of course. How could I not? I am aware of his high rank in Scientology. I remember that he jumped on a couch and made Oprah afraid. He has had relationships with other celebrity stars. He stands short. He is a certain kind of icon. A big old Hollywood icon. Old. He has been around since the 1980s so he must be getting up in years, too. My, my. I wonder how he is coping with that.

Every time I see a known celebrity, as each year passes, they look less and less real. Have they been steeping themselves in some preservation liquid? Are they injecting with celeb-grade botoxes, semaglutides, or the blood of trafficked youth? Do these things turn them to wood and wood-like rubbers? And look at their eyes. Often deranged. Surely these surgeries and treatments leave them all in pain — are these the eyes of once-people who are now pickled in pain meds?

I know that I have written about how to write a piece of fan mail, but I often write about silly things. As I’ve said before, I find the existence of celebrities to be baffling. I understand popularity and infamy I guess. I understand notoriety and even fame. But the levels of celebrity, where they become idols that are granted fortune and are worshiped, I always wonder why. Why do they get all of these rewards just for entertaining the rest of us?

Celebrities complain about their celebrity status when they get annoyed or frightened by it. They would like to just work and be able to enjoy their hundreds of millions of dollars and be left alone. Since that’s just not possible, can’t we meet in the middle and let them act or play sports or Be Seen however they like Being Seen, but without the isolating wealth? Sometimes it seems like it’s actually the wealth aspect that is the problem here. Maybe if they had to do their own grocery shopping and drove used cars that they saved up to buy, they’d be so ordinary that they wouldn’t be hunted down by stalkers any more often than normal people are.

I can’t sit around saying that all celebrities are terrible people. After all, Mr Rogers existed and Dolly Parton exists still. But I am saying that maybe everyone who adores them should calm down. And there are a lot of celebrities who are maybe not deserving of all of the positive attention that they receive. They’re all just lucky people through hard work, unexpected life twists, or nepotism — and many of them have complicated mental problems and deep unhappiness. It would probably be better for everyone if we just ignored celebrities.

And yes, maybe I did write this because Buddyhead dot com makes a great shirt that I have always wanted, but I have never wanted to spend forty dollars on one — no matter how finely crafted it is. I saw this design dozens, hundreds of years ago and have never stopped thinking about it. I think about it every day that I see a celebrity! That’s every day! And finally today I decided to write about its big idea. So, Buddyhead, you have made a little bit of a difference in the world. Good job.

And if anyone would like to buy it for me, we can privately have that arranged.