Introducing: WiiFitBitchi

I am pleased to announce that I have had visions of the future of the world of fitness! As you are no doubt aware, fitness and health are all the rage, everywhere, and the businesses and products surrounding this single-minded obsession are constantly on the rise! Up up! New things to buy! New ways to make money!

This is a drawing of Amandoll dressed like a doctor and holding a martini. With an air of blithe confidence, she is saying, "Allow me to fittercise you. I'm an expert."

In the past, we at the Sneer Campaign have dabbled in a few of the more common, everyday ways of increasing our exercise. Originally, years ago, we used the WiiFit. After we broke down into tears and sugar-gorging in the face of its insults and degrading comments, we shifted to having FitBits strapped eternally to our little wrists. That soon became an obsession with tracking our sleep habits and laughing over how few steps we take in a day. Without the insults, we weren’t motivated to prove anything! With insults, we wept too much to take deep, athletic breaths.

Well, let me tell you more about them each, in case you lead a blessed life free of torment.

The Wii and Its Amazing WiiFit Demon

Nintendo had good intentions when it developed a “game” that encourages you and your pals to play energetically, using your whole bodies and sense of competitiveness. You can either play games against each other, or do solo exercises and at the end of the day the Wiifit will tell you how badly you are doing compared to your other friends.

But what is the WiiFit I keep mentioning as though it were a living being? On the screen, it is your WiiFit Board which you stand on as it measures you and judges your abilities. It bounces around and … I guess encourages you? Its method of encouragement dances all around fat-shaming, from making your mii resemble South Park’s Eric Cartman, to actually saying, “you’ve been living large lately,” if you have gained even a single ounce.

Thanks to the South Park Character Maker, we see Amandoll as such a character -- with her iconic multicolored striped shirt. Also, she stretched the image horizontally to make it so very very wide. Her character is holding a burrito and grimacing.
“Oh. It’s you. I thought I heard thunder thighs approaching.” — WiiFit

It doesn’t limit itself to fat-shame, however, because it really went in on me over age. Every day, you have to “stand with your feet perfectly balanced,” because if you lean any which way, or favor a foot over the other, it lambastes you and tells you you need to work on that. Multiple times, I had 49.9% on one foot and 50.1% on the other, and rather than being like, “Oh wow you have a nice even footing,” it instead was like, “looks like you lean to the right. That happens with old people LIKE YOU. You’re going to fall and break your ugly fat hip because you might as well be seventy. GROSS.” Maybe it isn’t really that aggressive but I can hear its tone. I know what it means.

In my casual discussions with friends and acquaintances, I have learned that anyone I know who has tried the WiiFit eventually becomes distraught over the attitude it takes. It sacrifices mental health for physical health and never even once has given a compliment. It just wasn’t programmed that way.


FitBits on the other hand are kind, gentle exercise guides made for the tender modern exerciser. While on our wrists, they hold our hands. They let us “challenge” our friends with walking steps and all of that. If you try to lose too much weight in a week, it will chide you and remind you that you want health, not sickness. You want a strong heart, not osteoporosis. You get the feeling that the FitBit wants everyone to agree that all bodies are beautiful, but if you want to follow medical guidelines for good health, then it will help you achieve that dream!

Our FitBits track everything we ever wanted! Almost. I actually have another article inside of me that will explain, directly to FitBit executives, how they can improve their product and tailor it to my wishes — so I will leave all of that for that quality content post. Bet you can’t wait!

A real photograph depicting a human arm around the wrist region. Why, it is Amandoll's left arm! She casually but intentionally displays the fitbit that she is wearing right now. Also pictured: bracelets, a scary mousepad of a dummy's face, and the corner of her beloved laptop.
Up to the second imagery for up to the minute quality content for you!

FitBit straps to your wrist like a little wrist companion, but it’s TOO nice. Maybe I’m mentally broken from years of friendship with cchris, but I don’t mind the snark and the cruelty — as long as it is well-placed and not akin to beating a dead fat old horse. If we could only add some of the Wiifit’s sass into the FitBit, but also I mean come on if we are combining things to make perfection, we are also going to throw in a little Tomagotchi in there.

Tamagotchi Cha Cha

Back in the day, however many hundreds of years ago that was, there was a trendy “toy” that went around like wildfire. These little electronic egglike things contained within them a very simple little critter. These “digital pets” were programmed to depend on you. You basically had to remember to feed them, play with them, and I think maybe groom them? Pet them? Feed them your precious attention.

Anyone who has ever had one of these things has known the sting of failure as it has died and needed to be reset. We have felt the grim acknowledgment inside of ourselves during a single second of self-reflection as we hit that reset button that maybe we aren’t responsible enough for a real, living pet. But never mind that! — Again and again until you realized that it was a really boring waste of time anyway. So long, fad.

A stock photo from iStock shows a person playing with a red Tamagotchi. The digital pet seems to be eating a banana?
New heights in sneer article image depths – enjoy this istock picture.

But What If…

If these three things were combined into the WiiFitBitchi, what a world it would be! Still attached to your wrist, you would choose from a large variety of “companion avatars” that would in fact be barely-different emoji faces that showed whenever you looked at the face of your watch thing. It could speak aloud, like the Wiifit, but most likely everyone would choose to silence it, so that you wouldn’t be verbally abused by your wrist friend during work meetings or while at the grocery. You’d instead choose for it to text you.

The texts would be relentless, irrepressible. Since your Wiifitbitchi would depend on you, it would be like, “What are we eating today?” like it’s a little parasitic twin. As you enter your food choices into the app, your wrist would come to life with emoji faces. If you are opting for pizza, it might say, “Are you sure about that?” And make a little look askance face 😒. If you are creating, instead, a healthy salad or lean baked chicken entree, it will say, “that’s a good choice! Mmmm. 😍” I don’t want it to be constantly mean like the WiiFit! Everything needs a balance.

Every hour, if you haven’t taken enough steps to meet your goals, a text will come. “Up and at ’em. Last I checked, you weren’t a literal sloth.” The face would convey some stern judgment 😠 or long-suffering exasperation 😑. If, at the end of the day, you’ve done good, it will thank you for making it feel great. Manners are important!

Same photo of Amandoll's wrist from before but now the FitBit information is replaced with the emoji with the wonky face. All goofy looking.
Text reads: “Hey, Lazy. I’m doing an impression of you right now, look at your wrist.”

Unlike Tomagotchis, however, your WiiFitBitchi will never die. It may run out of battery, but once it’s recharged it will be right there, huffing and puffing in indignant rage 😤. Maybe it will choose that moment to unleash the scalding fury of its WiiFit ancestor. It will take all of your charts, all of your failings, and craft specific-to-you crippling insults. It will shout at you until it has no more to say and sit there in silence until you please it with good health choices, until you prove to it that you are serious about fitness and wellness.

But if you ever tell it it made you cry, it will be sorry. It will promise to change. It will be a little like Cleverbot. Yeah let’s throw the original version of Cleverbot in there, too!

Yes. I have envisioned the Perfect Product.

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