It’s ANY DAY OF THE WEEK and without a doubt every single person who might ever read this DEFINITELY needs to get fit, fast! Faster! Any minute of the day is the right time to inform you that you are blubbery and unsightly and obviously need to start exercising because, honey, that portion control diet that relies on self-control just AIN’T workin’ for you. At least, this is what I have gleaned from watching any television, seeing any magazine, or overhearing anyone trying to make money at the expense of the insecurities of others. And who isn’t, amirite?
Well let me tell you that THIS article CAN’T fail. It’s my very own method towards a better me, and friends, if I use it, then it HAS to be good. It is also probably based on science because I am wearing a lab coat as I write this. And my name tag says “Dr. Amandoll, nutritionology fitness expert.” It’s not like I do anything else but sit around and THINK all the time, right? So I clearly have all the answers. I think that’s all it takes to make me Qualified, right? Right? Well, if you believe it, it’s good enough for me, and let’s never bring the Courts into it.
So! Exercise, HUH? That’s why you’re here, are you? Well that is a good first step in the thin direction. Honestly, for years and years and years I really couldn’t think of much that was less interesting to me than moving around a bunch to achieve results that no one would even SEE for months! Maybe I would have gotten healthier faster than that − but that’s on the INSIDE! Only FREAKS are going to care if you have a sexy heart or beautiful, thin liver (although I am starting to convince myself that svelte innards are great). I still don’t like to sweat. I also don’t like to breathe heavily or be aware of my heartbeats, but the sweating really is the grossest part. I can’t help but think that it is like heated up liquid fat just oozing from my skin, like I am a terrible living ham that is glazing itself. My inner gravy seeping out for all the world to notice, if they are so inclined. Horrors for everyone involved.
But, I have designed an exercise routine that will save even the laziest of you out there. Just forget to think of things like “the concept of time or the future” or “inner, actual health” and get into the habit of doing any of these things any time you are idling/not typing or drawing or doing anything that requires concentration or a steady hand. You don’t have to PLAN for the exercises. You can do them any time of day or night and you won’t need a change of clothes, or probably even any extra showers, because you probably won’t sweat or get nasty. And, you can do them before you go to bed because you will not become invigorated and eager to do MORE exercise, like the more traditional methods will do. So, sit back, take a deep deeeep breath, and begin your journey to health, firmness, TIGHT ABZ, and psychological satisfaction. Read on!
Intentional Jimmy Legs
To Begin: Remain seated in your chair. You may desire to sit back, but you can also lean forward or slump in place. With both feet on the floor, begin tapping your toes. Alternatively, you may tap your heels. Once you do this for long enough, you feel that it is not unlike running in place, only you are seated and it never causes you to feel out of breath and you never get shin spurs or sore muscles.
Advanced Notes: The more advanced among you might like to sit straight with good posture while doing this exercise. This may take several years to build up to this, however. I would not suggest that you press your luck. When the spine is as curved as yours probably is, you don’t want to just rush out there and try to force it straight! You might get a backache!
Pro-tip: You may wish to put on music so that you may tap with the beat. Faster music may increase your own tapping tempo!
Eventual Results: After a while you will probably have sexy calves worthy to be seen on Thor, Mighty God of Thunder and Destroyer of Giants! Observant friends may begin labeling you as a “speed freak” of some sort. They sure are jealous!
To Begin: Remain seated in your chair. Lean forward and, with one arm, delicately pick up your beverage of choice (be mindful of your selection − try to drink water or a low-calorie alternative) and take a dainty sip. Place the beverage back on coaster or on ring-stained spot on desk/table. Repeat as thirst demands. Alternate arms by day so that your dominant arm doesn’t get all of the exercise.
Advanced Notes: Stronger lazy readers are advised to use heavier glassware or to sip from gigantic amounts of drink. Liquid weight is still weight; your muscles won’t know the difference!
Pro-tip: When I first discovered this part of the routine, I must admit that my left arm muscle did get a little sore for a few days, but I think it was because my left arm had gone thirty years without lifting anything on its own. Ever. So do be careful with this exercise. You might wish to consult your physician before jumping into it like I did.
Eventual Results: Well, you’ll soon have thin twiggy delicious arms of course and I will obviously want to stare at them all day long! <3 <3 <3 REMEMBER: Do not drink a bunch of fatdrinks. Otherwise there’ll be no help for you.
(Barely) Controlled Flailing
To Begin: I discovered the benefits of flailing after detecting a spider in my vicinity one evening. This is an exercise that can be done while sitting, laying down, OR standing − whatever pleases you. In fact, I recommend flailing in every position daily. Variety is the spice of life. Follow the directions in the Advanced Notes, but do so in a prone position until you feel confident that you could flail adequately while remaining in a chair, or without falling over and dashing your head on the corner of a table.
Advanced Notes: I will talk you through the Advanced Standing Flail: Stand upright. Spastically move your arm around. Shudder your entire torso and begin to move your other arm. Allow the legs to begin to dance around in place. Spin in circles.
Pro-tip: You cannot, however, just flail in any setting. I generally recommend that you DON’T do this one in public, because people who are not in The Know may think that you are experiencing a medical emergency rather than experiencing a surefire method of GETTIN’ FIT. They’ll think you’re just HAVIN’ A FIT. And so on. It may help to imagine that you are a Muppet who is afraid of centipedes and has discovered that it has several live centipedes glued to its fake skin. Please be careful of your spine and neck and breakable furniture and small children. All of these things can be injured during a good flail session.
Eventual Results: Whole-body sleekness, better command of your extremities, potential for sexy and compelling facial scars.
To Begin: Remain seated in your chair, or, better yet, lie down on a sofa. Take a couple of deep breaths to limber up. When the deep breaths begin to cause discomfort, exhale completely. This is your final relaxation before you take your respiratory system by surprise and breathe rapidly until you nearly pass out. Beginners will find that they can only do this for a few moments, but like all things, you can build up. Soon, you will be straining like you’ve just sprinted ten miles from the comfort of your couch.
Advanced Notes: Traditional exercise seems to occasionally emphasize the benefits of having to breathe deeply, frequently, heavily, etc, but man it is sometimes literally such a pain. Nothing like starting to run for a few minutes and then having to stand in place while your lungs try to clear themselves out to PUNISH YOU.
Pro-tip: Lungs want to KEEP that old air that you haven’t exhaled since you were playing tag in elementary school, they don’t want to breathe it out! I have found, then, that a good alternative to exerting yourself is to just rapidly use the top portion of your lungs that you are usually using to breathe already. Shallow rapid breaths are still shallow, so they don’t hurt, but they are rapid, which indicates exercise. Hyperventilating on purpose isn’t so bad, and plus, you get a terrific head rush! I don’t think you ever begin sweating, but if you do, I would like to recommend that you re-assess your lifestyle choice. If you are pushing yourself THAT hard maybe you would be better off Actually Jogging? Look, I’m not going to kick you out of my class here, but I’m just saying that maybe you’d like to leave, that’s all.
Eventual Results: Better lung capacity, at least up at the top. Probably.
Coffee: Liquid Exercise in a Mug
To Begin: Obtain coffee, brew coffee, delicately sip coffee until you get too agitated to continue. Then, cool off with a neutral beverage such as water, or a calming beverage such as liquor.
Advanced Notes: This routine is philosophically similar to the Intentional Hyperventilation Method. Good exercise seems to champion an accelerated heart rate. But only SUCKERS accelerate their hearts while running and ruining their poor knees from the continual impact of fat feet on pavement. Why not just chug coffee all day long? Your heart rate sure increases! Heck, you even start to sweat from coffee if you’re doing it right! Coffee makes Jimmy Legs come more naturally, causes flailing to be second nature and very often UNintentional. Really coffee might be the basis of my entire healthy lifestyle these days!
Pro-tip: If you are a coffee beginner, I really would only recommend two strong cups in a row. Maybe when you’re older and more grizzled, you can go ahead and kick it up to seven pots a day, but don’t rush it. It’s not a cheap habit.
Eventual Results: Ulcers, jitteriness, aggressiveness, irritability, stained teeth, a changed personality that is more world-weary and jaded, a wiry frame like that of a Whippet hound.
Yoga the LAZY Way
To Begin: Yoga has been all the rage for like three thousand years − FOR A REASON. Maintaining a limber physique is attractive any way you look at it. Any way you look at any part of it. But you don’t have to enroll in a Yoga Class and pay a fee and learn from a trained master − NO! From what I can determine, just stretching at all is good. You know when you wake up in the morning and are like BLRRRGHHH and stretch? That counts. Or like you’ve been typing an article for hours, all bent over the keyboard tappity tappity tapping at the keys and then your body is all like GOD YOU HAVEN’T MOVED ANYTHING BUT FINGERS IN HOURS and then you lean back and are all BLRRRGHHH and stretch? Yeah, that counts too.
Advanced Notes: You don’t have to set aside a three-hour block to get all of your stretching done at once, unless you really WANT to. I mean, I am not going to stop you, but that sounds suspiciously a lot like you have time AND the ability to concentrate. For the rest of us, we can take solace in the fact that five big stretches peppered throughout your day will give you plenty of health benefits.
Pro-tip: Watch a cat and stretch like it does. Then, nap like it does.
Eventual Results: Your muscles will feel better. Your mind will be relaxed and renewed INSTANTLY. And! You can freestyle these stretches. None of them have silly names to memorize. In my opinion, you’re set!
Take an Indoor Hike
To Begin: Hiking is great! Or it would be except for these things: insects, parasites, uphills, poison ivy, weather of most kinds, other people, pollution. That is why I have discovered that you can “hike” inside your very own home! Sure, the vistas aren’t as grand, and you might get a little bored of the scenery, but you can also power up your imagination, or alternatively, power down your sense of basic observations. Take the long way to the kitchen or bathroom or bed.
Advanced Notes: Take a break occasionally and just walk a leisurely lap around the home or apartment. You could do a maintenance round, looking to see if there are any cracks in the ceilings, leaks, horrible states of disrepair − although CAUTION! That may mean that you would have to fix them, or call your landlord and schedule a repairman visit. SHUDDER.
Pro-Tip: If you are supplementing your diet with delicious coffee, your “indoor hikes” may take the form of “nervously pacing.” If you are Coffee Pacing, brothers and sisters, let it be known plainly here and now that you will be walking back and forth on the attractive path to Physicalperfectionville.
Eventual Results: I’ve known so many thin coffee addicts who just pace all day long. They also usually smoke cigarettes but I don’t like smoking so I’m not going to recommend that. Smoking is KILLING THEM but coffee is at least going to keep them pretty, and I guess possibly also keep the walls of their heart paper-thin. Why am I talking about coffee again? I’m so thirsty for it.