Fine dining in these modern times is a luxury reserved for a very specific bracket of society. While many of us only have the choice to raise our pinkies while delicately nibbling on a McChicken, or to luxuriate in the delicate nuance of unadorned white rice, others are gorging on course after course, sending back $100 dishes because they were insufficiently transcendent.
But, the times are a-changin’, as is cyclically the case, and soon enough we will be able to sit at the community table, elbow to elbow with our neighbors and friends, while eating the rich as they deserve to be eaten.
I’ve advocated for the dining upon of the wealthy before, but I haven’t seen it happening anywhere yet. So I figured that maybe you would all be more motivated if I supplied you with a menu. As ever, the source of the meats can be up to you, but I recommend that you select from billionaires and above. Because there can never be a “good” person who is a billionaire, and we eat for justice. We choose to chew righteously.
There are apparently over 3000 billionaires in the world to select from at the time of this writing, hoarding over $16 trillion in money. However, there are fifteen individual “centibillionaires” who actually hold more wealth than 1500 of the so-called Poorest Billionaires: a term which fills me with a hunger that I know just how to appease.
How To Eat The Rich
The first step in creating a sumptuous and inviting five course meal for your friends and family is to set a beautiful table in elegant surroundings. I recommend making use of a vacant mansion, liberated penthouse, but even a large community hall or open park would be exquisite. On this day, the plate itself will hold all of the glory.
Ideally, everyone will work together to create a truly memorable culinary experience. While I am about to describe a five course meal, if you were to make a whole lot of each course and serve it in potluck fashion, that would be a delight. You could refer to this style as a Warren Buffet (pronounced like a food buffet) and smile to yourself, and to each other. The food would only taste more delicious, I expect.
By the way: my apologies to vegans and vegetarians. Every course includes the meat of absolute pigs. But don’t worry! Normal farm pigs are, obviously, safe from the pot.
Pro Tips for Diners:
- be polite
- eat slowly and without mercy
- chew with your mouth closed
- savor each bite
- take breaks between courses
It is important to enjoy the experience and not rush through the meal.
The Starter: “Sweet Gates Velouté with Golden Philanthro Medallions”
Pairing: White Burgundy (Chardonnay, Côte de Beaune)
Alternative: Champagne Blanc de Blancs
An appetizer is meant to be a light little flavorful bite which then inspires your guest for the rest of the courses. In keeping the portions small, we have selected Bill Gates, not the shortest billionaire from our grocery run, but the poorest. He is a mere single-hundred-billionaire who loves to dollop out little droplets of his fortune in the name of philanthropy.
Prepare the Gates into an abundance of small chunks. You will have to simmer him for a long time as he resists softening, but the resulting velouté is surprisingly rich, with a buttery clarity that expands the palate. Within a few spoonfuls, you will find that your hunger for the world’s latent wealth will bloom violently. Garnish with a pinch of microgreens, a delicate nod to the comparative smallness of his still obnoxiously vast wealth.
The Souping Course: “GazBezos Albuquerque”
Pairing: Fino Sherry
Alternative: Dry Rosé from Provence
They say revenge is a dish best served cold — and thus for our second course, we serve a gazpacho. This zesty New Mexican classic gets a blood-red reboot with GazBezos, a deeply satisfying blend of sun-ripened tomatoes, peppers, and the marrow broth sourced from a certain ruthless exploiter of the common man. Each silky spoonful captures the raw flavor of successful unionizing, street justice, and karmic retribution.
To prepare it properly, begin by charring the vegetables over a furiously burning pile of endless shipping boxes. Then mercilessly puree everything with a blade forged from the smoldering wreckage of an unfortunately phallic vanity rocket. Serve chilled in the hollowed skulls of corporate yes-men who fattened themselves beneath the Bezos.
As mentioned in the pairing suggestions above, this course pairs best with Fino Sherry — which is dry, sharp, and pitiless. It is best to match a beverage with the mood.
“The Walton Salad”
Pairing: Gewürztraminer
Alternative: Chenin Blanc
Light, crisp, and deceptively simple, this salad offers a cool, invigorating pause before the heat of the meal intensifies. Despite the source, this salad is not gathered from bags of mass produced and packaged Spring Mix, half-slimy and wilted, with measurable e coli contamination. Instead, it is built from the greens of urban gardens and co-op farms reclaimed from abandoned strip malls. The Walton Salad is tossed with seasonal vegetables that were once priced out of reach for their own workers and made meaty with dozens of tightly cubed heirs. The flavor is in the variety!
In the amount of time it takes to mix the greens (five minutes), the Walton family’s fortune gains what a typical Walmart employee makes in a year. Every crisp leaf and locally ripened slice is a bite reclaimed, each forkful a reminder that abundance belongs in the hands of those who grow, stock, and serve. This salad will be the most refreshing salad you have ever had.
Enter the Entrée: Zuck à l’Orange
Pairing: Pinot Noir (Burgundy or Oregon)
Alternative: Zweigelt or Gamay
The main dish of any meal is where memories are forged — this is the crescendo, the moment when your guests finally stop pretending they came for the company. While many cuts could anchor this course, none offer the breathtakingly uncanny mouthfeel of Zuckerberg: boneless, lean, and notably resistant to spices. The Zuckerberg cut is notoriously pale, tasteless, and best masked with bright citrus and a highly structured wine. I’ve chosen to serve him à l’Orange, the traditional French sauce used to redeem wan poultry too dry for polite society.
No matter how long you roast this zucker, it’s always going to be unnaturally cold and clammy to the tongue. But this entrée is less about good flavors than it is about the setting in which you will find yourself. Prepared correctly, devouring Zuckerberg will also consume his entire empire of social media-related pains bite by nauseating, anxious bite. For once, your guests will speak without worrying that their words will fuel the next targeted ad campaign. Conversations will flow untracked, unharvested, and unmonetized. A nourishing meal for the body, yes — but more importantly, a feast for the soul unshackled.
By the end of this course, thoughts of content creation and user engagement will evaporate from our lives. That’s almost a dessert course of its own!
Dessert Course: “The Elon Mess”
Pairing: Moscato d’Asti
Alternative: Sauternes
Dessert normally should be a final flourish, an extravagance that leaves your guests in a state of sticky, euphoric delirium. But instead we have the Elon Mess: a deconstructed disaster of overwhipped hubris, crusty antisemitic conspiracies that never sit well, tasty strawberry compote, and the ghastly human being himself sliced thin and boiled — because some meats deserve the grossest preparation.
Beneath the greasy surface of this tired, tepid spectacle that we are all already so sick of experiencing, something begins to congeal: a dish that is obnoxious, dangerous, cloying, and ultimately hollow. It will be so sweet to eat that you may become sickened — but duty is duty.
Elon’s meats may be the dessert, but let the record show: this is not an act of indulgence — it is karmic obligation. He is, after all, the architect of his own undoing. We’re just here to make sure nothing is left.
Lastly, for the digestif which ends any cultured meal, I would recommend drinking the drained and naturally rotten blood of the wealthy elite. It will provide a lasting, bittersweet taste of resounding justice and closure and form lasting bonds between the crowd.
And remember:
And stay tuned for the next installment of this series where I will give you handy gardening tips involving the seemingly infinite steaming pile of manure that is “Corrupt Politicians.”