It is National Resurrect Romance Week! Did you know that such a week existed? Neither did I but boy oh boy am I stoked to reanimate Romance’s dead rotting corpse so that it may rise to walk again amongst the living. Since its original death in the 1960s, I’m guessing, the world has been poorer for it. Romance was acquired by Valentines Day and became a competition to buy items that represented your love for another, but romance was always simply some emotional display. Well, I hardly know it, of course, because I have grown up in a post-romance world but I am a fast study.

Eagerly, I rushed to this site run by the Most Romantic Man in the World. No, it isn’t the Onion’s famed columnist, Smoove B, Love Man, it is someone who lives in North Carolina, but is not Billy Holiday — I THINK. I expected some essays on love, romance, and relationships. Maybe some simple guides to composing sonnets, things like that. I was for sure not psychologically prepared for the blast of pure romance that I received. Overwhelmed by the sheer volume of tips and not-tricks, I began writing this article before I even clicked the very first several hundred item long list of suggestions to ignite romance in your sad relationship of lack.

I want to make my own, much much shorter list in order to help you in surefire efficient ways, because none of us has time to read “5000 Hot Love Tips” or “19000 Ways to Seduce That Dreamboat” or “Two Million Suggestions to Woo Your Honey.” My suggestions are probably already on that site, but who has time to find them?? Here are eleven tips for you, because you don’t need any more than that. GUARANTEED.

• Print out all of our FREE love cards and give them to your beloved every morning and evening. Give them alone or in groups. Always write a new message on the inside so that they won’t become bored. Hire me to make more especially for you.
• Make food in the shape of hearts for as long as you are in love. Condiment art on sandwiches, fried eggs, pancakes, hamburgers, trout, salads, pork chops, thanksgiving turkey, and more can be shaped to your will, just like your soul mate can.
• Fill sketchbooks with sketches of them doing things as you observe, secretly. Pages of them watching TV, or doing chores, yard work, filing taxes and paying bills. Cram the pages full, dozens of studies on each page. It doesn’t matter how well you can draw, because it is the thought that counts. You can either present it as a gift, or pretend that they have discovered it by “hiding” it in places where it is easily found such as on an end table or under their pillow.
• Loom above your sweetheart as they sleep. They might never wake up to catch you, but that is okay because their subconscious mind should detect your devotion and love. If you would like to be discovered mid-loom, lean over them, nearer and nearer, until your breath tickles them awake. They will love you even more for the experience.

• Smile and cry as you cook and clean up after them to show that you are fully feeling the emotional rainbows that life with them has given you. Emphasize that even the bad feelings are cherished, a form of adoration of them.
• Hold your lover down as you straddle him or her, and bring your face to within inches of theirs and weep while promising that you’ll never, ever hurt them. Bonus Romance Points if you repeatedly do this in non-sexual scenarios.
• Insist on taking locks of their hair and braid them together with your own locks. Festoon your bedroom and love altar with them.
• Always spoon if you are relaxing on a couch, or if you are sleeping. Spoons are the most romantic eating utensil, don’t listen to what that knife is always telling you. Trade being big and little spoons for variety. No matter how physically uncomfortable you get, it is a small price to pay for all of this real love you will be enjoying.
• Create a love altar at all. Keep it either in the bedroom or prominently on display in the living room. Cover it in prayer candles that are red or white, especially if they are those glass case prayer candles that are “for true love” or say “CONTROL” on them while a woman holds a little marionette. Smother the altar in images and symbols of the two of you. The romance comes every day when you light the incense and pray in front of it together as an activity. Another bond strengthened.
• Women and men both love being admired and praised. They like being told that the object of their affection finds them to be attractive. Go a step further, let them know that you don’t think that their beauty is on the outside only. Freely and effusively compliment their skull. Explain that the planes of their face tell the tale within, and that you think of its beauty often. You know that skull in there is the most gorgeous one on earth.
• Craft a set of poppets of you and your boo. This ranks up there with hand-knitted sweaters and socks in the Sweetness Department. A poppet is a cute little doll that represents a person. You care for them and imbue them with intent and luck. It is recommended that you bind your poppets together in order to symbolize your commitment. Use red thread to sew them together at the heart and the lips: the two most romantic parts of the body.