Crystals are all the rage right now. People are lauding their mystical healing powers, imbued from sacred vibrations in sync with the Sacred Earth Mother homeopathic chakra feng shui. Or something. You can understand why, when a hunk of quartz is $7.25 at your local Crystal Emporium and Mud Spa whereas actual medical treatment in the United States is $1850 just for them to print and send you the bill. It’s easy to see the appeal of eating a fistful of quinoa, taping a garnet to your forehead and hoping for the best.
That is not to say that the healing powers of crystals are devoid of merit. I’ve done some research, and while I’ve found countless sources telling you WHAT each kind of crystal or stone is good for, there’s very little documentation on HOW to use them to best effect. It’s hard to find a reliable druid in this day and age.
Once again, Sneer Campaign is here to help. I have tirelessly scoured the internet, head shops, rock shows, Burning Man-type peyote appropriations, and exactly one florist. Presented here is the Sneer Campaign Guide to Optimal Crystal Implementation.
Amethyst: These stones are said to emit a “relaxing energy,” good for when your college degree can’t even get you on at McDonald’s and your student loans are due. An amethyst will soothe the frustration of never being able to afford a car made after you were born.
Dosing: Take a piece of gemstone approximately in a 1mm cube and cut, polish, then mount it on a ring. Get on Craigslist and offer to trade it for some basic psychiatric care.
Carnelian: This stone is good for making you feel confident and powerful. You’ll need that as you submit a resume online and then are required to type it all into a form anyway, because HR execs found it’s easier to feed forms into their autodeleter instead of having to glance at resumes. Just like everyone else under fifty without wealthy and connected parents, you’ve given up on getting employment in your field long ago, and would be happy if you got something that didn’t require a hat or working on Thanksgiving Day. Carnelian helps you click “SUBMIT” eighteen times per day with confidence.
Dosing: Cut stone the size of a brick into the shape of handgun and paint black. Use it to rob a bank. Cash in your pocket is the surest way to confidence.
Jade: A stone for bringing prosperity and abundance. When you’re at the end of your rope, standing in a smoke-filled casino well off the Las Vegas strip, betting the $300 you got from hocking the title to your 1986 Camry on watching your peers play Russian roulette, jade will come in handy.
Dosing: Rub daily on your EBT card in futile attempt to increase the balance. Larger pieces can be thrown in self-defense at the white man in a tailored suit when he sees you buying name-brand ramen and flies into a rage about his wasted tax dollars.
Driveway Gravel: A sturdy stone, good for transporting your chakra beyond where the county budgeted for asphalt. Gravel gives access to the wilder, less explored parts of your soul, so when all the world has to offer in response to your ever-growing pile of PAST DUE notices are lectures about the importance of buying store-brand beans, it’s hard to find a reason to leave bed and stop crying. When no employer wants to give you a chance, it’s not because the world is a place that’s dehumanizing and broken on a fundamental level, it’s that your soul harmonies need adjustment. Eat some kale next to the positive ions of your Himalayan salt lamp.
Dosing: Sprinkle liberally into the bags of aluminum cans you gathered from dumpsters and ditches before you take them to the scrap metal recycler.
Coprolite: A fossil stone, it connects you to the past, and stokes your inner light of introspection. You’ll see how the Baby Boomers squandered the abundance and opportunity the USA gave them, then turn around and vote it away to line their own pockets at the mere cost of their children’s future. You see how institutionalized classism, racism, and sexism cause your resumes to be sent to the shredder by the autoscanner rather than a person because your name isn’t “John James Whitebread III.” You see the system is vicious, sadistic, and sets you up to fail while insisting you be grateful for the opportunity.
Dosing: 99% of the world is forced to eat a form of this stone on a daily basis.