Consider this everyday scenario: Your local grocery store, probably a “Walmart” in this day and age, posts on “Groupon” that it is having a sale on Lucky Charms. You don’t know what “Groupon” is, or even if the author of this article knows how it works, but there’s no time to ponder life’s mysteries. You put on your Lucky Leprechaun Underpants and rush to Walmart. When you get the cereal aisle, you find a scene smeared with blood, fingers, and teeth. You pay them no heed as you rush down the aisle, looking for Lucky Charms, a cereal you don’t particularly care for. You eat Eggos. But the more you buy, the more you save!
To your dismay, you find an empty shelf where the Lucky Charms used to be. The smells of fear, feces, and atomized marshmallows linger in the air. How could this be? The coupon was posted yesterday, so you got here in plenty of time. Your magic underwear makes sure that fortune smiles upon you. So what happened? As you grab a box of Cheerios without so many teeth marks on it, another cereal you don’t eat, and head for the checkout, it dawns upon you: If you can’t make mistakes, and if misfortune can’t just strike at random due the machinations of a chaotic world, then you must be the victim of a CONSPIRACY.
Conspiracies go back as far as humankind can remember, which is up to four days in some circumstances. For instance, everyone knows that 537 different people, including every single member of the Warren Commission, shot the single bullet that killed Kennedy. And we also know that gay frogs are impossible in the Free Market of Nature. But what about other conspirators? Here are the overviews of a few of the bigger ones.
The Illuminati
The Illuminati were founded in Bavaria in 1776, for the purpose of talking about things like religion maybe not being the best thing ever, which would get you denounced, excommunicated, and drawn and quartered by religious authorities. The society was immediately outlawed and in retaliation caused everything from the French Revolution, which clearly would not have happened without some form of fiendish machinations, to the Cold War, because without a dark, shadowy power, it’s obvious all the US and Russia want to do is be pals and have cookouts with steak and beet-based beverages.
The Freemasons
Masonry is, on first glance, the skill of being able to join stone and concrete blocks into walls and buildings using mortar, which was the Spackle of its day. A second glance reveals that they have a society called Freemasons, and they’re a fraternal organization where members pledge, and well-connected senior members help each other out. It’s like the Greek system except with fewer cases of alcohol poisoning and what we can only pray is less sexual assault. But a third, DEEPER look shows that they’re responsible for all the stuff you just THOUGHT the Illuminati did, and then some more. The symbol of Freemasonry is a couple of their tools, which are, of course, the still-bloody fingers and skull of an infant, though some cowardly lodges use a compass and square. George Washington was a Mason, and the major streets of Washington DC are laid out in the compass and square arrangement. Freemasonry is best known for its long-standing feud with the Illuminati over who put the weird pyramid on the back of the American dollar bill.
Shriners
Shriners are like Freemasons but without the mystique, and are in fact associated with them. They are best known for their desire to dethrone God, which they act upon by operating free hospitals for critically ill children, which is in direct opposition of the WIll of God as conveyed to us by His Anointed, like Franklin Graham. God supports everything the Republican party stands for, which is first and foremost that no one should ever receive healthcare for free. Another subversive activity of the Shriners is to insinuate themselves into otherwise innocuous parades, using their driving of tiny cars as a mask to spread their Satanic messages of free healthcare for children and establishing the popularity of the fez, known to symbolize the hedonism where women are free to display their ankles and have their own names.
NASA
NASA has been in the conspiracy game since its inception in 1958. First, they pretended there were rockets. This seemed to go over well with the public, so soon they pretended there were satellites, and that the pretend rockets carried them into pretend orbit over the Earth, which they pretended was round, instead of the Frisbee we all know and love (See #5, below). Soon, NASA’s web of shameful lies grew too big, and they started to have to pretend that there were people on the pretend rockets, and they were going into space, to get there before the pretend Russians, who were also putting pretend people in pretend rockets to go into pretend orbit. It all came to a head in 1969, when NASA put three pretend men on a pretend rocket to go to the pretend moon, pretend to land on it, and pretend to walk on it. They pretended to come back with pretend rocks, and then NASA, drunk with the success at getting the drooling coneheads of the public to lap all of this up, pretended to send five more missions to the moon, complete with pretend moon buggies, and a pretend disaster! Later, NASA pretended to send pretend shuttles into pretend orbit and build a pretend space station, and only really smart people see the TRUTH.
Airline Pilots
Airline pilots are stooges of everyone listed above, trying to convince the drooling masses that there are such things as “space,” “science,” and “math.” They make the poor, deluded people on the world think they are flying around a spherical planet, rather than the flat disc it so obviously is. They do this by drugging the passengers on international flights and flying in complicated patterns to obscure they’re avoiding the edge and going back the other way to go from Los Angeles to Tokyo. It is a sick, sad game they’re playing, and we can only hope the elite minds of the internet will expose this trickery, as well as find out why on earth they’re doing it.