Please immediately bookmark this article to refer to every time you fall ill. It is an invaluable resource to all the ways you can heal yourself without having to resort to seeing an actual certified medical technician and drowning in bankruptcy brought on by medical bills. Those of you readers who are foreign and enjoy free or cheap health care, you may read this article and well up with teardrops of pity for Americans.

So! You have come down with the sicks. Why does this happen? Why you? Why now? You can’t afford to be sick and you can’t afford to lose an hour of productivity, for whatever reason. You have been over-stressed, or you have offended a god or goddess or even minor imp. You have been licking doorknobs, or smooching the unclean, or drinking after Typhoid Mary or her kind. Were you even aware that any of these things and more can earn you diseases?

You can try to be as mindful of germs as possible, but let’s get real. Germs are everywhere. They are in the air and even in the people you trust and love. They are spewing out of the mouths of every person around you who is breathing. Contagion surrounds you. There’s no escaping this gross inevitability unless you live in a plastic bubble — and even then, you can’t be too sure. You will eventually need to heal. But that’s why your ol’ pal Dr. Amandoll, Quack MD is here to help, as always!

Method 1: Complain Endlessly

I have gone into some more detail on this in another related article, if you are up to the act of reading something else right after this. But, if you tell everyone you know just how much you are suffering, a livestream of sorrows as they happen, you will begin to feel better. It is a modern spin of the old practice of venting a spleen, or applying leeches. Get the bad humors out via your mouth and into the ears and brains of those surrounding you. We’re sure you know how to whip up a frothy hot cup of medicinal whine, but maybe you don’t know that you should never let up. Maintain a constant groan of sorrow loud enough that everyone can hear.

Method 2: Begin a Prayer Circle

We all know the standard complaints today of how quickly people volunteer to let you know that they are praying for you by just commenting “prayers” on practically anything anyone says, but let that work for you! We also know the backlash of “thoughts and prayers” but let’s not be so hasty, friends. Go ahead and take those magical spells that people are apparently into these days. Accept them into your sickly little heart. Maybe you WILL be healed!

Some pro-tip advice: When you beg the religious to pray for you, be sure to tell them to be specific. Don’t hope for God’s Will in case its will is for you to die. That’s not the goal! Instead, maybe write out a prayer for them to repeat aloud before bed and silently while they are in their churches. Here is an example:

Dear God,

Please heal [specific friend] of this [specific illness]. After that is done, would you please also bestow that friend with riches that I might or might not ask to borrow some of. Sorry for my poor syntax, God, but I am all in a tizzy.

Love,

[your name and address]

Method 3: Ritual Magic

Who doesn’t love a good ritual? We sure don’t not. We do not do not love it, as you know if you read our content, like you should. Obviously, we don’t advocate living sacrifice, but perhaps creating an effigy of an illness pixie which you will berate and burn will do the trick.

Dim the lights, light scentless candles of blue or green (the colors of health), and put on some youtubes of chanting or healing tones. Sacrifice a lemon and drink Robitussin or equivalent from your ceremonial goblet. All of the incense smoke will cause you to cough up the phlegm demon that is possessing your upper respiratory system. Get out, Evil! Get out of there!

Method 4: Self Medicate

Don’t be afraid of Western Medicine, even though it is frequently seen as a capitalist evil that preys upon the desperate and afraid. Some items are tried AND true, such as the cough medicine I mentioned in the last section. Lozenges, syrups, and other potions sold by your local store are there to treat the symptom, if not the cause, and some days that is all you need to get your foot in the door of good health — or at least some dang rest which will also benefit your poor sad body.

Send a friend to the pharmacy to pick up one medicine for each symptom. Don’t take them at the same time, but instead, try to take them in the correct order to unlock the code for instant health. Life apparently is a game, after all, and some of the puzzles you have to unlock aren’t the easiest. This is a good example.

Method 5: the New Age Addresses That

The New Age includes a huge array of types of beliefs — but lucky for you, you never have to pick just one! Get a book from your local library or book store, from the section that contains books from anything from real vampires to out of body experiences, aliens to the history of witchcraft. Among a hundred different topics, you will find ones to guide you on health healing.

Aside from achieving spiritual enlightenment, the New Agers are mostly concerned with curing every ailment. Crystals, herbs, “herbs,” pyramids, chants, tones, color, light, aliens — all of these things might be able to help cure you, if you happen to believe in it jusssst right. And yes, this is very similar to Method 3, but I like the number 5 better than 4 because of superstitions. I’m trying not to get sick, too!

Never Do These Things:

• Tell Mom – she worries enough!
• 100% depend on ANY cure
• OTC Overdose
• Give Up