I am not a musician. Musical talent is not a talent I have. Truth be told, I’m not even sure that I can keep a steady beat. However, I believe that practice and dedication can, with monumental amounts of effort, do just as well as natural proclivity in the form of easy talent. Once I have some time, I will be forcing myself to learn the auditory arts and I will bring joy to all those with ears who I have trapped in the music parlor of Sneer Manor (music parlor coming to one of the purposeless rooms SOON).

Despite not yet exactly beginning my journey (past the declaration part), I am going to guide you and me both on how to proceed.

Pick Your Instrument

The instrument you select should be one you like the sound of. It doesn’t matter what your housemates or neighbors prefer, and you shouldn’t go for an instrument just because it is more lucrative than others. Not all of your hobbies have to be marketable! Every ounce of energy you use doesn’t have to be dedicated to the pursuit of wealth. If you want to be a highly rated kazoo artist instead of the bass player of a middle-sized city cover band, I urge you to follow that dream instead. Kazoo your little heart out.

Myself, I will be choosing the calliope. I have listened to many genres of music and it is a fact that the calliope tunes of circus music are the sounds that make my soul dance. Maybe I will never have an audience of people paying to listen to my excellence, but I will be happy in my music parlor, alone. I can’t imagine that anything could ever make me happier than what I am imagining right now.

Obtain Your Instrument

There exist music stores, did you know? They are actually places to go which sell instruments! Brand new and ready for any of us who want to shell out surprisingly big bucks. But maybe you will find a sale on kazoos, friend. A new instrument will indeed cost you arms, legs, and various other body parts, so this is where you decide how interested in this hobby you are. You might want to consider second hand music.

Previously used instruments are fine, and in my case, a necessity because as far as I know, there hasn’t been a new calliope built since 1860. My search that I am conducting now is reluctant to even show me the musical instrument. Even when I add “instrument” to the search, I am being shown some sort of medical device for looking into the ear canal? Hmmm. It seems that not only is the calliope a chunk of change ($100k), when I can find one for sale, but I might also need to invest in a steamboat, or a team of draft horses and a wagon at the very least. If it turns out that our radiators are steam radiators, though, I can press onward and dreams will not die on this day, right here during this paragraph.

Lessons?

Let me immediately tell you that I have never taken a lesson on anything in my life, but the more I look at photos of calliopes, the more I can see where it might be a good step to take. From what I understand, actually, it might be a good idea to get lessons in basically any sort of instrument at all for some foundation to build upon. Piano or guitar lessons seem to be fairly common, so hop into one of those places.

Also, don’t be ashamed to ask one of your friends in a band to tell you what to do, because they must know something. In this way, you won’t have to spend even more money on your whim. Probably just offer a treat of whatever they prefer. Or, if they are like me, just pay them in praise and flattery. They’ll do anything for you then.

After like one or two lessons, probably, you’ll be all set to plunge into music making splendor, reaching new levels of self-satisfaction in a matter of minutes, I hope. This is what I depend on, this hope.

A Note On Muses

This will come later, after we have learned how to make sounds from our instrument, and understand what rhythm and notes are. But one day, as we happily begin creating our own tunes, the Muses may visit us. It isn’t required to have the help from Muses, but I hear that they make things a lot easier, and that is a notion that I am all for.

But who are the Muses? They are nine Greek women or dieties that inspire artists of all kinds! And why am I including them here? Well obviously it is because my search for calliopes reminded me that Calliope is one of them! She is actually the one we hope visits us and inspires us! She is the muse of Epic Poetry, Music, Song, Dance, and Eloquence — all attributes of the beautiful music of the instrument which bears her name. If any of these broads visit you, take what they give you and Create. Be BLESSED and well-pleased.

The Other Muses, Just FYI

• Clio – history
• Euterpe – lyric song
• Melpomene – tragey
• Terpsichore – dance
• Erato – smut poetry
• Polyhymnia – sacred songs
• Urania – astronomy
• Thalia – comedy and bucolic poetry

Visualize Your Musical Future

I already imagined a little of my calliopedic future a few paragraphs ago, and it will be my mental happy place whenever I do that form of meditation, you can count on that. But your visualizations will very likely be different. Remember, while it is okay to imagine your artistry becoming your career, how about we re-learn what it means to follow your actual joy. Capitalism creeps in on us every which way — let’s keep music pure. Just this once. Especially because the odds of you becoming a professional musician whose performances pay your bills is laughably small. Just do it because you like to do it!

First, you might need to do some exercises to remember what it is to have leisure time. Maybe you have read a book before? Remember how it feels to sit somewhere and concentrate on an activity in solitude. Now, instead of silence or ambient noises, imagine your favorite instrument playing. Next, somehow connect the sounds to the instrument, then connect it to you!

I know you probably didn’t choose a calliope, but it’s all I am thinking about now. But if you imagine a room of your house with large, open windows, and sun and a breeze coming in, and some twinkling birdsong. Imagine that, and then picture the shiny brass of the calliope pipes glinting in that Springtime light.

You press the keys and pour your heart into a jaunty tune, straight out of your soul, which you know is coating the entire neighborhood in a faint circus atmosphere… for miles. Suddenly, a clown tumbles into the room, attracted by the music like a brightly painted moth to a glorious and beautiful flame of sound. The clown performs a routine — just for you!

And BY GOD you live happily ever after.