As you might be aware, we have now been around for five years of beauty and splendor. A lot can happen in five years, and presumably it did — we can’t remember unless we hit the Random Articles button, same as you. But that’s why we made a site: so that we no longer need to rely on our own memory.

Anyway! Each passing year is a cause for celebration. We made it! We made it this far, again! You know gifts are always welcomed.

Birthdays are highly individual, but apparently wedding anniversaries are specific and traditional in strange and bizarre ways. And since we are MARRIED to this site, that is what shall guide us. Hallmark is apparently the official expert on this part of life, and I wouldn’t dare question them. If they tell us to give a married couple some cleaning supplies for one of the years, then so be it. I mean, I obviously won’t be giving them anything because that actually seems a little awkward to me, but I am glad to know that there is structure available.

The past few years, where we have NOT received any gifts by the way, we should have been given gifts of paper, cotton, leather, and fruit. For us, that means you should have given us journals, clothes, pleather pants, and fruit flavored gummy vitamins. This fifth year calls for wooden gifts, and I inadvertently have that one covered!

The other day, before all of society shut down, I was actually out and about, soaking up germs and contagion. During my journey, I happened upon the very nicest antique mask I have ever seen that was for sale and not just on exhibit! It was among a collection of them, each mask being very different, but this is the one that called to my heart. This is the one I wanted to spend my life looking at and sometimes wearing on nights that are the darkest.

When I bought it so excitedly and you might even say hungrily, I did not realize it would become the official mask of Sneer Campaign, but it was destiny. Wooden Mask is the PERFECT wood gift for a fifth anniversary and I welcome all future masks that you will be sending us throughout the rest of this year.

For your information, here is what will be appropriate for us as the years wear on. Yes, of course there will be a 60th anniversary of the Sneer Campaign because by then we will have transcended the need for human bodies:

• 2021: Candy (chocolate covered espresso beans)
• 2022: Wool (take us to a petting zoo to pet sheep)
• 2023: Pottery (handmade dishes depicting betteface)
• 2024: Willow (plant some willow trees in our name but we allow and encourage other trees too)
• 2025: Tin (masks made of tin)
• 2026: Steel (knives good enough to kill with)
• 2027: Silk (bed sheets)
• 2028: Lace (scandalous scanties)
• 2029: Gold Jewelry (gold jewelry)
• 2030: Crystal (gemstones with magical healing properties, and that means ANY gemstone, smart guy)
• 2031: Coffee or Tea (in huge amounts)
• 2032: Wine or Spirits (no wine please. only gin or bourbon)
• 2033: Appliances (no dishwashers plz and i guess wait until 2033 to see what we need to replace or add in Sneer HQ)
• 2034: Jade (figurines sculpted from it, preferably of us or things we like)
• 2035: China (antique only)
• 2036: Fire (theme) (fire type pokemon)
• 2037: Water (theme) (fish tanks)
• 2038: Air (theme) (oxygen tanks)
• 2039: Stone (theme) (legalized weed lol amirite here)
• 2040: Silver (metallic silver clothing)
• 2041: Art (my own, bought from redbubble, given to us as the best gift of all)
• 2042: Music (make music about us. do this already, don’t wait)
• 2043: Linens (very soft, high thread count)
• 2044: Tools (hacksaws mostly)
• 2045: Pearls (big long strands of pearl necklaces)
• 2046: Travel (travel TO us)
• 2047: Bronze (artifacts from the bronze age, preferably cursed)
• 2048: Iron (same as above except iron age)
• 2049: Food (whatever fad food is happening that allegedly blends all the nutrients into one compact pill or tasty slurry)
• 2050: Coral (antique bits of coral, as no new coral will exist and if it does, DON’T TOUCH IT)
• 2051: Antiques (only antique puppets)
• 2052: Books (only antique books)
• 2053: Luck (theme) (we will only accept living leprechauns)
• 2054: Laughter (theme) (force yourself to laugh in front of us and then we will also laugh until we are weakened and laugh some more)
• 2055: Ruby (loose rubies in a bag)
• 2056: Office or Desk Decor (skulls)
• 2057: Clocks or Watches (NO TICKING.)
• 2058: Entertainment (theme) (Bette Davis’ taxidermied body)
• 2059: Electronics (theme) (the latest in VR technology)
• 2060: Sapphire (sarcophagi encrusted with sapphires that we will never use for our own mummies as we do not plan to die)
• 2061: Games (yes please give us more board games we never play)
• 2062: Garden or Plants (plz do our weeding)
• 2063: Home Improvement (theme) (plz offer handyman services to help whoever is our live-in handyman that year)
• 2064: Copper (masks made of copper)
• 2065: Gold (nuggets. loose. in a big bag with a $ on it)
• 2066: Photos or Cameras (oh man maybe by then we will have cameras that print polaroids that move like gifs!)
• 2067: Bath or Spa (theme) (drag our abandoned human husks out to the yard and dust them off, spray away the cobwebs, spritz some perfumes)
• 2068: Plastic (plastic will hopefully no longer exist in 2068. instead, consider bringing us the heads of our enemies on shiny metal platters)
• 2069: Glass (delight and entertain us by assembling as a party and smashing glasses dramatically after fiery proclamations)
• 2070: Emerald (loose, in bag)
• 2071: Day (theme) (totems of the Sun, our only god)
• 2072: Night (theme) (bring us goths, many goths)
• 2073: Faith and Hope (theme) (um this one is all churchy on the Hallmark site, so I guess donate to our cult church which will have been firmly established and prospering after over fifty years of unbridled success)
• 2074: Charity (theme) (donate to wonderful places in our name, start today)
• 2075: Diamond (loose, in bags, covered in blood)

At this point, you are instructed to begin the list again as anniversaries exceed the sixtieth. Going from diamonds one year to paper the next? Sounds fun! Sign me up!