The Five Love Languages, or How to Love Us Right

Personality sorting quizzes are a mainstay of internet life. I am sure you have all taken at least a few, so that you know which Muppet you are, or what kind of dog you would be, or where you should live out of a selection of seven places around the world. They’re great.

Some quizzes take themselves a lot more seriously, though! They go so far as to have business built around them so that they can sell books and guides. A team of hucksters goes in and makes a fortune based on notions. It’s our dream, too! One of these days…

I have taken the Love Language quiz to find out what kind of person I am. The first time I took it, I had three of the types result as being equally important to me. I thought it meant that I am adaptable, but then one of my friends thought it meant that I am demanding. I mean, they’re not wrong.

Months later, I took it again only to learn that apparently it can change! I had wanted to be reminded which three I was, but this time it was only one of them and I can’t even remember which it was. We won’t think about that too deeply. We won’t cast a narrowed eye at the validity of the Love Language results or about my apparently difficult nature.

What are the official five ways of communicating with loved ones? Let me give you a little run down so that I can turn this into something relating to sneer campaign. Otherwise I would just be giving you the world’s most worthless summary of something that describes itself just fine.

  • Words of Affirmation – Appreciate them with compliments, gratitude, love poetry
  • Acts of Service – Being helpful, such as with chores or making meals
  • Receiving Gifts – Gifts are important, the worth is in the fact that the person thought of you
  • Quality Time – Spend time with them, together, undivided attention
  • Physical Touch – Hand holding, casual patting, snuggling

Hey wow those sound like they probably apply to most people! But what are the five ways to communicate with Dollissa and me? There are a few differences, but I don’t want to make a bunch of separate Doofus and Darlings about relationships. How BORING.

First of all, throw out “Physical Touch” because don’t touch us. That, we can agree on.

Praise Us

Send us emails, messages, testimonials wherever you can that talks us up big time — leave comments on our posts, especially! Sneer Campaign fan sites would be something. Instagrams following our every move, somehow. Would we have to leave the house for that? Included in this is to listen to us complain in an endless nasal drone, agreeing with us, and even throwing in with related complaints of your own so that we can get cool and cozy underneath the shade tree we grew together.

Do Our Bidding

We are so BUSY. Overwhelmed! Almost every day, we are drowning in projects and ideas. Showing us that you love us by doing kind things like sending us gift baskets of snacks, or making us meals, like Manny does, really goes a long way to boost our moods and general senses of well being. Most importantly though, if we show you that we trust you enough to ask you to do a thing that either we aren’t experts on, or don’t have time to do, then by agreeing to do it, and actually doing it, you make us happy! We feel your affection in action. And we’d do the same for you, if we could.

Buy Our Stuff

The Five Love Languages sometimes confuses me, because imo, being given a gift isn’t just about receiving a material object. I think it IS a gift to be praised, or to be catered to, or to even spend time with a person. Those are all gifts! In a similar vein, if you bought something from Sneer 1 Imports to give to someone else, that too feels like you are giving a gift to us — and not just the gift of fabulous penny profits! Each sale from our redbubble gives us a reason to celebrate, and we do.


We joke about it all the time (“joke”), that everything we do we do for attention. Making a living? Making profits? Just tell us we did good. Money and trade is fine and dandy, but I’m starting to believe I can live on praise alone. Yes, we live privileged lives where we aren’t struggling to make ends meet. What are ends? Tell me you admire me. Say it! You can even whisper it to me.

Be a Good Conversationalist

I wanted there to be five languages, just like the original, and at first all I could think of to replace “touch” was “shave off your beard,” for obvious reasons. But then I realized that the original love language list actually does neglect to address the brain as being a LOVE ORGAN. Banter, wit, verbal japes, mutual learning, the sloppy exchanging of trivia — delicious. Glorious. Give us that five times a day and we will be glad.

And finally, there is an option that doesn’t make us sound like raging, desperate ego monsters. That’s not ALL we are!!

Sneer Back

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