It is a scientifically proven fact that engaging in activities such as crosswords and puzzle solving gives the brain exercise. The brain is an organ but it is also a muscle that, through repetitive heavy lifting of words and thoughts, can become strong, even ripped. Smartos know this and enjoy flexing these brains and oiling them up, showing off at chess tournaments or spelling bees, things like that.

With this in mind, I recently thought it would be a good idea to encourage my aging relatives to do some puzzle books. Many of them already enjoy this as a hobby, so it is perfect and wouldn’t require trickery from me. I decided to head over to Amazon in order to get some crossword books for them and instead found that they were all too condescending to ever give as a gift.

I wasn’t even looking up cryptic crosswords! Those are so difficult that the way they condescend is like, “Cryptic Crosswords for Beginners or Those in a Hurry.” They allow you to think that you should stand a decent chance, and the insult comes months later when you see that you have solved just a few of the clues in only five of the puzzles.

Normal crossword books are much more straightforward. A normal crossword book would instead be titled, “Crosswords Designed for the Hopeless or the Simple-Minded, STUPID.” “EASY Large Print Edition, YOU BLIND MORON.” Even when they seem fine for a second, they will throw “DUMMY EDITION” in there, just to drive it home.

Before I decided to just stick with the bland titles of wordsearches, which aren’t so high and mighty, I was blindsided by these incredibly awful books — just imagine giving either of these as a gift:

Finding these led me to the creator of these amazing titles, an author by the name of Puzzle Therapist. I am not 100% certain on this, but it seems to me that Puzzle Therapist might actually be an artificial intelligence machine that has been designed to cater to specific wants and needs of certain key demographics, in a way that seems charmingly out of touch with reality. This is where the biggest twist to my day came from! You see, they seem to have plenty of books for the children of aging parents, and loads of books for people who just enjoy crossword puzzles, but then also erotically charged books designed for lovers of sudoku?

If I judge a book by the cover like I am supposed to, then I can only expect to find a thrilling story about a sad man, much like the reader, who meets a sudoku puzzle. Their love is simple and pure. There will be a misunderstanding where they are both anguished over what turns out to be nothing. The hardships they face together will be from Easy to Medium. There’s romance and a happy ending, presumably.

Not to be left out, lonely women who long for the joys of having to play brain games with a complicated logic puzzle of a hunny also have a book made especially for them. The story probably centers on some plain American girl who meets an Irish guy and finds that in his tall hair, there are sudoku puzzles which she must solve in order to be worthy of his fiery, passionate love. Then they have a baby.

There is also this one for alpha females who really love it VERY easy! Follow the tawdry happenings in the life of an alpha woman who dominates sudoku puzzles tied up in her sudoku dungeon. She humiliates them because they are very easy, and, as it happens, those sudoku puzzles are also very satisfied!

Of course, there is the hardcore erotica sudoku for men and women fraught with these rough fantasies — and who could blame them?? Maybe YOU are the one wishing to be humiliated by these puzzle games. Start with a safe word and then leave all words behind as the numbers bend you to their will and, apparently, give it to you pretty rough indeed — in as many ways as it takes to fill two whole books!

Once my copies arrive for true review, I will let you know if I finally enjoy the sudoku puzzle game, with all of its romantic drama and intrigue. If it turns out that these are just the confusing puzzle books that they probably are, well then look for our new line of Sudoku Romance Novels from our inevitable Sneer Publishing House, where our dreams are your dreams coming true.