Friends are the cinder blocks which are used to build the sturdy foundation of your house of Personal Satisfaction. Without that foundation, your happiness is flimsy and will be unable to withstand even the peaceful breezes of mild setbacks. Without friends to turn to, you become a sorrowful shell of bitterness. Even the near-constant string of seductions you have been using to keep yourself warm at night will not fulfill you in the ways you expected.

It is because human beings NEED other human beings to be there for them, not to use, but to understand and accept them. Well, I guess that is a type of using, actually. But it isn’t as bad as it sounds! Believe it or not, it is important that we have at least one other person in our lives who we can confide in, spend time with, and even be seen with in public — WITHOUT ulterior motives. Sure, you may need to borrow some money from them someday or need to move into their spare room, but essentially a friend is to be treated like a family member that you actually “love.” No, no. Not that dirty physical love you are all so obsessed with, but the “platonic” kind of love.

Friends are people who you can depend on, hang out with, share your feelings with, and all of that stuff. And for those of you unfamiliar with the term “people” — they are those things outside that walk around on two legs and look kind of like you. You want them. Everyone does. And I am here to tell you how.

Firstly, Figure Out What Kinds of Friends You Are Looking For

Some of the more lumpen of you may now be asking such things as, “Friends? You mean those people on the teevee box?” Or you may be saying, “I have heard of people having friends, but I don’t think I am capable of having any for myself. It is just a distant dream.” And all of you are saying collectively, constantly, “Oh, Amandoll. Please, won’t you help us?” The answers to all of these things is a resounding YES — even the questions which were not answerable on a yes/no basis — at least not CONVENTIONALLY.

At first, you might be willing to settle for anything you can get. Some of you might be so eager that the attentions from the seediest or stinkiest strangers might seem to be a good thing to you. Indeed, hobos and even the Clearly Disturbed might be good practice. Do not try to befriend them as much as simply try practicing your first attempts at conversation and sharing of interests on them. You may then move on to other social levels such as the lonely, weird man in your apartment building, a downcast person who is openly weeping in public, or any person over the age of 75. As time wears on, however, you will find that you might want to be able to find people you can depend on who are not there to use or exploit you or to inevitably test your patience.

 

Become Interesting, What Are You Waiting For?

Almost everyone here is interesting in some way, shape, or form. Intelligent conversation appeals to many people, and if certain people shy away from intelligence, they will usually prefer ignorant and harmless opinions on anything they have to offer. If you are a person who does not possess the gift of being able to carry a conversation that would interest any normal person, you might want to get a hobby.

Hobbies are basically interests that you pick up simply to pass your time in a way that you find appealing. They are also picked up so that you have something to talk about when a conversation is starting to drag and an effort is needed to salvage that horrible train wreck in the making. Be careful, though. Hobbies can be used to make friends, or to drive prospective friends far, far away. Pro-tip: only begin the discussion of your personal hobbies when you have asked the other person what THEIR hobbies are because not everyone will be interested in everything you like.

If you don’t already have a hobby, there is no time like the present to get one. Just peruse a list and pick an interest that either you like, or that people you like seem to like. You can’t possibly lose in that way. Those cool people over there turn out to like fencing? It is pretty easy to pay a fee to join their club. Within a few weeks you’re certain to be their friend simply because they can’t make you leave. If they are resistant, you’ll wear them down. Or you won’t HAVE to wear them down once you’ve begun using all of my suggestions in your day to day life! READ ON!

 

Wash Yourself and Dress Well

Frequently in these helpful self-improvement guides, you come across items like this one that might make you scoff because it seems so obvious that it should never, ever need to be listed. Well, stop living in that sweet smelling pink bubble! There are always people out there who don’t have common sense or even basic instincts concerning many things in life. If you don’t think the simple act of bathing is frequently ignored, then I want you to go out among the normal people and breathe deeply. Take a city bus if you have to. There are a bunch of stinkos on this planet.

I’m going to venture to say that most people don’t really want to be associated with a nasty person who has greasy hair and sweaty pits. Maybe it is snobby of them, and if you don’t like that, then you can happily use the power of your stench to drive them away from you. Way to be selective and stick to your ideals! But, when people make friends with you, they are also deciding whether or not they’d let their current friends ever even meet you. A friend sphere is a type of herd, and so herd mentality often applies. If the herd decides that stinkers aren’t allowed, well, then them’s the breaks, kid. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

And I personally don’t care much how people choose to dress, but for sure there are plenty of people who do. Clothes make the man or women and allegedly they say a lot about you to people who are superficial and people who are observant. What they do with that information is up to them.

 

Try To Become Less Creepy Overall

I have spoken to many strangers on the internet and I can say without hesitation that lots of you are creepy and disturbing. You need to stop doing that if you want to make real friends. I’m not even sure if you do it on purpose thinking that it makes you interesting or if it is in your very natures, but please — just stop it.

In theory, this should be pretty easy to change about yourself. If you catch something going on that you think is a little dirty, don’t point it out. You can think it to yourself all you want, but if you mention it to a new potential friend, you might be giving them the creepies and they’ll start thinking of how they can get away from you the fastest. Probably everyone in the world is sick-minded, but everyone’s beliefs in social etiquette is a little different. People simply don’t want strangers to immediately launch into a breathless routine of dirty jokes because they really don’t know if the stranger doesn’t know better or if they are a skewed monster.

Similarly, when you are first speaking with a person, don’t unload your entire life story all at once on them. Strangers don’t want to know how sorrowful you are. They don’t want to get roped into lengthy conversations about your family members, or your uncommon sores that have the doctors baffled. Upon first meeting, almost everyone wants a somewhat upbeat conversation, free of notable awkwardness. If a friendship starts happy, then maybe it will stay happy. But if a friendship starts on a detail of self-pity, well… the friendship probably won’t start. Most likely, that person will sit there and listen, and then afterwards, they will go to their real friends and say, “My god, I met the most wretched lump of a person today.” You will be mocked, and they won’t care.

If you have a good first conversation, and things are looking up, and your potential new friend seems like they wouldn’t mind talking to you again someday, do NOT become desperate. I feel like if I knew anything about fishing, that I could craft an excellent metaphor about reeling them in slowly so that the line doesn’t snap. Was that good enough? Do not use this moment of delicate social dance to come clean and tell them that they are the first person you’ve ever identified with, that you are so lonely and need a friend and you are so glad that you and that person are getting along because you really, REALLY want to be friends with them FOREVER.

In most normal people’s heads, when a stranger comes out with all of these confessions, a warning siren goes off. People listen to the warning voices in their heads when it comes to friendship (although not when it comes to romance, sadly). As soon as they can get away, you will never have a chance to connect with that person again. And it will be all because you are creepy. But don’t worry. You can form yourself anew.

 

Quick! Develop a Charming Personality!

I see a few confused little faces out there. You were thinking that getting a hobby and “becoming more interesting” essentially meant that you were developing a personality, weren’t you? Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you that you are wrong. All the hobbies in the world won’t give you a personality, and even if you regularly find yourself running with the bulls, scoring the winning touchdown, walking on the moon, and inventing microscopic clowns, if you have no personality, no one will really care about you for long. You have to grow some charms and then work them like a pro.

Having a personality is key in making people like or dislike you. You don’t want to be needy, desperate, clingy, self-centered, psychopathic, disgusting, or any other of those negative words. You want to be charming, confident, witty, mysterious, and charming. Did I say charming twice? That’s because it is SO IMPORTANT. If you can charm a person with charms, they will be intrigued by you and not want to pass up the chance to become associated with you.

But how do you become charming? Get yourself a mirror. Look at yourself in the eyes and smile. Notice anything wrong? I will assume you’ve already brushed your teeth after following my advice, so it’s not that you have a Frito caught in your gap. I’d wager that what you see that’s so wrong is a lack of confidence in yourself, and a big lack of practice. Yes, once again, you must practice. You must look yourself in the eye and smile until you don’t make yourself uncomfortable because you feel as if you are leering at yourself. You must smile until it comes naturally. You must look yourself in the eye until you notice that you positively SPARKLE with charms. You’ll know when you get there.

After you’ve discovered your charming side, you must be able to back up people’s interest in you by being a good conversationalist or being able to fake it well enough. Let the other people do the talking. You can win a million bonus points if you ask them about themselves in a way that makes it seem as though you are truly interested. Encourage them to tell anecdotes and follow them up with relevant questions. It will take months before they might consider that you were tricking them, and by then you will be so ingrained in their lives that it will be next to impossible to get rid of you. Good work!

 

Above All: BE YOURSELF

When people are open to getting new friends, they are usually seeking people who don’t have issues or emotional baggage — even though such people don’t exist. They are looking for people who are not embarrassing to be seen with. They are looking for people who are beneficial to their lives. They want REAL people. So, only approach them after you’ve changed everything about yourself and have buried the memory of the original you deep, deep within yourself. After you’ve repressed your shame, you will believe that this new you is in fact the real you. And they will never be the wiser.

Of course, there is a possibility that not ALL of the old photographs have been destroyed. Maybe one day you and your new friends will run into an old school bully of yours. Perhaps you’ll be DISCOVERED for who you used to be! That is why you must have a back up plan fully prepared for this moment. Have a cleverly concocted, and believable, lie at the ready. Once you can lie directly to the face of your past, you will truly be free from yourself.

However, I must also advise you to be constantly vigilant. Groups of friends have a certain horrible group politic that goes with them. There are in-fights and so and so is not speaking to what’s his face because he did whatever that one time. You have to choose sides. Or, maybe it’s your turn to be on the outs with everyone. Perhaps you made a social blunder. You’ll have to learn how to manipulate your way back into their good graces. Or, better yet, you’ll have to be able to read their minds so that you will be able to circumvent their scorn before they are even fully aware of it themselves. … Why do you even want to make friends, again? This sounds so tedious.

 

If All Else Fails, Take Comfort In The Fact That They Are All Unworthy

I want you to sit down in the Thinking Room you have in your house. Relax and consider what exactly you are looking for in a friend. I know that this is somewhat advanced friend stuff here, but bear with me. You will find that if you are selective about who you befriend, the relationships are rich and rewarding and last years. When you go into that great big FriendMart known as THE WORLD, you may be overwhelmed to find that the shelves aren’t actually stocked in neat categories, or at all! There will be people milling around who might want to con you so that you are just as lonely AND several thousand dollars poorer. Being selective should shield you from many disappointments. And there ARE many disappointments.

This article is all about fooling yourself and fooling others. Sometimes, it seems like that’s all the world’s about. But this section is the most important, because it may be that you can’t figure out how to make friends. Maybe you have too far to go and are impatient. You have failed too many times. That’s when it becomes okay to sneer at everyone and consider yourself lucky to be such a loner. Who needs them anyway? If they don’t like you then what’s to like about them? Right?

The irony is that, very often, when you become contented with your isolation, and pleased with yourself for who you are, people will generally start noticing you and thinking you are neat. If you reject them when they start talking to you, they’ll try harder to befriend you. They’ll want to know what’s so great about you that you can turn them away. It will become a competition where many people will try to get close to you and be one of those rare people who you confide in. It works especially well if you aren’t a jerk about it and are just quietly alone in a happy way. If you seem happy being alone, then they’ll DEMAND your friendship.

Because people are fickle monsters who instinctively want to ruin your life! STAY AWAY.